Why Kids Say "I Don't Know" — And What to Do Instead

It's the most common parenting frustration I hear.

You ask your child how school was. You ask what's wrong. You ask why they're upset. And you get some version of the same three-word answer: "I don't know."

Before Feeling Cards existed, I used to interpret this as my son being evasive. I'd feel a flash of irritation — you must know something — and then guilt about feeling irritated. It was a spiral.

But here's what I've come to understand: kids who say "I don't know" aren't hiding. They genuinely don't have access to the information you're asking for.

The emotional vocabulary gap

Research in affective neuroscience tells us that labelling an emotion — actually putting a word to what we feel — requires a specific cognitive process called affect labelling. It activates the prefrontal cortex and actually reduces the intensity of the emotional experience.

But you can only activate that process if you have the word in the first place.

Most children have an emotional vocabulary of maybe 6–8 words: happy, sad, angry, scared, tired, fine, good, bad. That's it. Those words are expected to cover the full complexity of human emotional experience, including all the subtle, layered, confusing feelings that come with being a child navigating school, friendships, and family.

No wonder they don't know.

What helps

The single most effective thing I've found is giving them options rather than open questions.

Instead of: "How are you feeling?"

Try: "Are you feeling more frustrated or worried?"

Or better yet — spread out the Feeling Cards and just say: "Pick one that fits."

The visual prompt does something words alone can't. It bypasses the need to retrieve a label from memory and instead asks for recognition — which is a much lower cognitive load, especially for young children or kids who are already activated.

The secret payoff

Here's the thing nobody tells you: when you do this consistently, kids start to develop a larger emotional vocabulary. They see the word "disappointed" enough times that it enters their working memory. They start using it unprompted.

One mum in our community told me her 7-year-old daughter came home from school and announced: "Mum, I felt mortified today."

She'd never heard that word before Feeling Cards.

That's the goal. Not the card session itself — but the slow, playful accumulation of words that give children access to their inner life. And yours.